Verifying For Effective Communication

The Importance Of Verifying In Effective Communication is absolutely vital.  Too often, rather than verifying, we jump to conclusions about what may be really going on with the other person and/or what they are communicating to us. Below I share a recent experience that illustrates this.

I was making conversation with Debbie, manager of a hair salon, while she was cutting my hair. Hearing that I teach Communicating Effectively with Compassion, she told me of some difficulties she was having with Sandy, one of her stylists.

“Sandy doesn’t follow through on what I ask her to do,” Debbie said, “and I don’t know how to resolve it. This has been going on for two years now, and if we can’t work it out soon I’ll have to let her go.

” I offered to speak with Sandy and see if I could help, and Debbie happily agreed. When Sandy and I sat down to chat, she told me she sincerely wants to follow through on what Debbie asks of her. So what was the problem? “I don’t always hear what Debbie tells me,” Sandy said, “and other times I don’t hear it in the way she meant it.”

And there was an additional problem. Sandy has ADD, making it hard for her to focus on a task for longer than 20-30 minutes. “It is why being a hairstylist works so well for me,” she said. “Twenty minutes, and I’m on to the next client.” How might Sandy and Debbie resolve this? An important skill of effective communication is “Verifying,” which is to make sure that what we heard is in fact what the speaker intended.

This may seem to be a matter of simply paying attention, but there is actually more to this. There are many reasons why we might hear the speaker but misunderstand what was said. One reason is that we all speak and hear through our own individual “filters”. These “filters” are the way we understand things based on our background, our life experiences, etc.

Other times, emotions such as anger, hurt or worry can cloud the underlying message and make it hard to understand. This is why “verifying” is such an important part of communication. For Debbie and Sandy the problem was easy to correct. I suggested that Debbie ask Sandy to repeat what she heard as a way of verifying that Sandy understood what Debbie had in mind.

A second suggestion had to do with Sandy suffering from ADD. I recommended that Debbie give Sandy tasks of short duration. I asked both of them how these ideas resonated for them, and they were enthusiastic and committed to trying this out. I am reminded of something I read in The Lost Art of Listening (page 126), by Michael Nichols, Ph.D.

“If you want to make any relationship more rewarding, practice responsive listening. Responsive listening means hearing the other person out, then letting him know what you understood him to be saying. If you’re right, the speaker will feel a grateful sense of being understood. If you didn’t quite get what he intended to say, your feedback allows him another chance to explain.”

Sometimes the reason for failed communication is as simple as one person not understanding what the other has said. The skill of “Verifying” can be helpful in creating effective connection. For both Debbie and Sandy, it was a far better choice than loss of a skilled employee and a job.

I encourage and welcome your comments, sharing, and feedback.  If you would like to have a deeper experience of using the tools of communicating effectively with compassion I invite you to participate as my guest in the first two classes of my next Communicating Effectively With Compassion 10 Session Tele-class.

How To Listening Effectively

Listening effectively is one of the best and most loving gifts that we can offer to another person. This is especially true when somebody is hurt or upset about something and shares it with us. All too often, in spite of our good intentions, we find ourselves responding to others in ways that are not effective.

Here are three principles that help us to respond with compassion and effectiveness when people share their feelings with us.

1. Listen with openness, not judgment.

The first thing that people need when they share something that hurts or upsets them is a sense that it is safe to talk. This means that when they tell us what happened or how they are feeling, we will not judge, criticize, shame or blame them. This is what allows them to trust us and feel safe opening up.

That we don’t judge does not mean that we have no sense of right and wrong. Rather, it means that we put that aside and listen with compassionate ears. It is to focus on the heart that is sharing its hurt with us, rather than on our sense of right/wrong.

2. The key is the feelings and needs.

The second thing that people want is for their experience, and especially their feelings, to be understood. This is because the key to any situation is how the person feels about it. This attempt to understand how another is feeling in a given situation, and doing so with no criticism or judgment, is called “empathy.”

One excellent way to express empathy is to reflect back to the person what we imagine the experience was like. There is an art to doing this that is hard to convey in a short article; in my Communicating with Compassion course we spend the first four sessions on this. That having been said, here is a simple example:

If somebody is sharing with us a story about how she was ridiculed for asking a certain question, we might ask ourselves how we feel when we are ridiculed. We would then reflect that feeling back and see if this indeed is how she felt. We might say, “So you felt embarrassed and humiliated.”

It is of course important to say this in a gentle tone and a caring way. It is remarkable how often a simple reflection of feelings, when done with no judgment or criticism, creates an initial sense of relief. It also tends to open the speaker’s heart to share more of the experience.

She might add that she was going to be with these people for the next 10 hours, and was concerned that they might ridicule her again. To which we might respond, “So you were feeling unsafe.”

This might go on for a few rounds. If we stay with reflecting feelings, with no judgment or criticism, and only a desire to understand the other’s experience, the result will often be a sense of deep relief and the ability to arrive at a sense of resolution.

3. Wait before offering advice.

We often have ideas and information that might be helpful to the other. And yet, it is very important to first understand and reflect the feelings, and only then to offer advice. When people are upset, what they need first, before anything else, is empathy. Only after the feelings have been heard and acknowledged are people ready for advice.

Offering advice before that point might be well intentioned but is in fact misguided. It could easily result in people being irritated or hurt. When people are ready for advice, there are some keys to how to offer it.

To receive my FREE special report “How To Be Smart About  Giving Advice,” simply enter your information in the box on the right of this page, and I will send it right out to you. Putting these three principles to work will make a significant difference in your relationships. Try it and you’ll see!

I hope this article has been of value to you in assisting you to learn the keys to listening effectively.  I encourage you to share it with anyone you feel can benefit from it.  I also encourage, welcome, and appreciate your questions and comments.

Mistakes In Giving Advice

In part two of The Art Of Giving Advice, we’ll take a look at four critical errors that are often made in the name of offering advice.

Critical Advice Giving Mistake #1:

Discounting “You shouldn’t feel that way” is an excellent way to shut down a conversation, cause people emotional pain and undermine relationships. 

Critical Advice Giving Mistake #2:

Autobiographical Responding Expressing our opinions, feelings and experiences before we have “Listened First” and “Acknowledged” is a sign of an unskilled communicator. When used as a first response, our ideas move the conversation from focusing on the other to focusing on ourselves.

Critical Advice Giving Mistake #3:

 Interrupting the Silence Often when we offer advice people take time to reflect on it. This is their processing time, and interrupting it can get in the way of people weighing our advice and arriving at solutions that are right for them.

Critical Advice Giving Mistake #4:

Disrespecting This can take the form of Shaming (“How did you ever get yourself into such a mess? What’s wrong with you?”); Condescending (“Sounds like you don’t know a thing about this, so let me start teaching you!”); Criticism Disguised as Advice; and Teaching, Preaching and Moralizing.

The Foundation For Mastery

The foundation for all efective communication skills, including The Art of Giving Advice, is to communicate from a place and attitude of respect and caring.  Otherwise, our words are often perceived as “techniques,” and create distance rather than connection. Make sure that your intentions are clean and that you seek to help the other rather than show how smart you are. Regardless of the words you use, people will pick up intuitively if you are coming from an ego-driven place.

The Art Of Giving Advice

The Art Of Giving Advice involves mastering the ability to offer suggestions while avoiding the resentment that often accompanies unwelcome advice.  Below are eight keys that are essential to practice if you truly want to become a master of giving advice without getting shot.

Art of Giving Advice Skill #1: “Listen First”
Skilled communicators take the time to “Listen First” before offering advice. They resist the temptation to hear the first few lines, decide
that they know what it is about and start giving advice. In addition to giving us the full picture, “Listening First” allows people to work out
their own solutions, and creates openness to our suggestions.

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #2: “Acknowledge”, when needed 
When the issue at hand is complex or is emotionally charged, “Listen First” is not enough. We need to also paraphrase, validate, or respond
empathically before proceeding, and you will learn how to do each of
these. Skills #1 and #2 help you avoid the mistake of “Rushing to Solution.”

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #3: “Ask or Have” 
It is crucial to be sure the other person wants your advice. So either “Ask Permission” to give
advice, and proceed only if you get a “yes”, or “Have an Invitation” and
know that your advice is welcome. Unsolicited advice is a major
communication mistake. Of course, there is a “right way” and a “wrong
way” to ask permission, and you will learn how to do it right.

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #4: “Offer Without Insisting” 
Skilled communicators offer their advice and then let people decide if
it is right for them. Insisting on your advice being followed typically
comes across as arrogant, disrespectful and controlling. It is also
counter-productive, since “insisting promotes resisting.” You will learn
how to “offer” skillfully, and how to respond to the “yes”, the “no”
and the “lukewarm yes” that you get when you offer to give advice.

There can be an important exception to Skills #3 and #4, and
that is if you have legal, moral or ethical responsibility for another.

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #5: “Calibrate”, when necessary 
“Calibrate” means “to measure”. Make sure that your advice is doable for
the other. Suggesting something that is beyond people’s abilities can
lead to frustration and giving up. “Just do it!” may be a good marketing
line for running shoes, but is typically a poor approach togiving
advice. You will learn important tips on how to Calibrate so that the
advice you give is right for the other.

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #6: “Check for resonance” 
Ask people if  your advice is right for them. By listening to any concerns or
additional information they raise, you get to fine-tune your input and
tailor it more closely to this person and these circumstances. This
helps you avoid the “illusion of solution”.

Art of Giving Advice Skill Skill #7: “Know and Honor Your Limitations” 
Speak about areas of your expertise, and be very cautious about giving
advice about things you do not know much about. Poor advice is much
worse that no advice. The sages of old counseled, “Teach your tongue to
say: I don’t know.” It is still sage advice.

Skill #8: “Check for completion”
Ask if the matter has been fully resolved. There may be other aspects that have not
yet been addressed. Some people, concerned about being perceived as
argumentative or time-wasters, will not raise those additional aspects
unless invited to.

In part two of this article on the art of giving advice I will explain four costly mistakes to avoid, as you master this important skill of effective communication.

Setting Boundaries With Compassion

Communicating with compassion often means setting boundaries.  We don’t usually connect “kindness” and “boundary setting.” At least I didn’t for many years. I imagined that kindness is about listening with empathy, responding with compassion, treating others with dignity, doing random (and not so random) acts of kindness, and the like.

What did this have to do with boundary setting, which is ultimately about saying “no”? Over the years I have learned, the hard way, that kindness and boundary setting balance each other, and when they are balanced they allow for true compassion. An experience I had provided a powerful illustration of this principle.

At the end of a week-long spiritual retreat, my friend Sam approached me with a perplexing situation. His co-worker, Sally, asked him to help a person in need by doing something Sam could not do, since it would violate a promise he had made. Sally explained that it was for a good cause, and nobody would notice the broken promise.

Sam responded gently, asking Sally to understand his unwillingness to do this (even though it was indeed unlikely that anybody would find out), and offering to find alternative solutions for the person in need. But the more Sam explained and asked for understanding, the angrier and more hostile Sally became. Finally, Sam could deal with the situation no longer.

Angry and frustrated, his relationship with Sally collapsed. What, Sam wanted to know, had he done wrong? I invited Sam to role-play with me. Playing “Sally”, Sam asked that I help out the person in need by doing something that my contract prohibited. I responded as Sam had–explaining, asking for understanding and offering alternative solutions. I asked Sam how he felt as I was doing this.

Sam said he felt himself becoming increasingly agitated. We then role-played a second time, and I responded very differently. In a clear and firm tone, I said I was unable to do what was being asked, that I would not even consider breaking my promise, and that it was not a subject for discussion. I expressed my willingness to help find another solution for the person in need.I then asked Sam again how he felt hearing this.

Sam said that, much to his dismay, my firm response calmed him, and that he felt ready to work with me on a mutually acceptable solution. “This seems counter-intuitive”, Sam exclaimed. “How could a compassionate response lead to greater agitation, while a firm ‘no; created calm and cooperation”? While indeed it is counter-intuitive, what Sam learned is that clear and timely boundary setting effectively puts an end to the other’s “out-of-control” behavior.

As long as Sam was pleading with Sally, he gave her the idea that with just a bit more pushing she might get her way. Rather than put an end to Sally’s pushing, Sam’s pleading only invited more of it. In the words of a graduate of Communicating with Compassion, a psychiatrist in private practice, “Compassion in the face of abuse is enabling behavior”. Boundary setting, however, has the opposite effect. It makes clear the parameters of what is acceptable.

The only way Sally can achieve her goal is to work respectfully and cooperatively within the parameters of what Sam considers acceptable. There is no longer anything to be gained by pushing. Sam, in turn, can then open his heart to help Sally, secure that he will not be compromising himself. (There is something else boundary setting accomplishes.

By making clear that we won’t compromise ourselves, and by not getting involved in “people-pleasing”, we are less likely to be angry. It is when we don’t set clear boundaries and end up being inauthentic with ourselves that we feel anger at ourselves, and this anger tends to be projected outwards on the other.

This is a longer discussion for another article.) The key is to set boundaries that are firm, to set them in a timely manner, and do so without condemnation. People understand, and honor, firm and respectful boundaries. These are the “good fences” that make for good friends.

An Opportunity To Demonstrate Compassion

In living a compassionate life, we are often presented with the opportunity to demonstrate charity and kindness to our fellow man.  I am blessed to have had man such opportunities, and there is one in particular that comes to mind.

It was three years ago, at this time of year, and I was on my way to the Seder, the Passover celebration that commemorates the Exodus from Egypt. Walking towards the hall where the Seder would be held, I saw a woman sitting on the pavement with her sleeping bag and some other possessions.

There was something terribly incongruous about this. Here I was, dressed in my holiday finery, preparing to praise the One who delivered us, in the words of the hymn, “from slavery to freedom, from sadness to joy, from darkness to great light”. And right before me, in one of the wealthiest cities of the world, was a woman preparing to sleep on the sidewalk.

Unable to simply ignore her walk by, I greeted her. In the conversation that ensued, I learned that Shelly was not on welfare, but rather part of the working poor, earning too much for public assistance but not enough to pay rent in high-priced Los Angeles. She also did not want to go to a shelter. It is safer on the streets, she told me.

I had heard enough about what goes on in “shelters” and decided not to ask for details. “Are you hungry? Did you have dinner?” I inquired. Shelly did not reply. So I asked more delicately, “If I brought you some food, would you accept?” “Yes,” she said. I told her the festive meal would be served in an hour and a half, and promised I would return.

The holiday meal was fit for a king: eggs, fish, soup and chicken. I took an egg and my portion of fish and prepared to go, but I did not want to go alone. Night had fallen and it was dark outside now, and Shelly might not feel safe with a strange man approaching her. Fortunately, I found a kindhearted woman willing to accompany me. Together we set out to feed a hungry stranger.

As we approached, I explained to my companion that charity in the Jewish tradition consists of two parts. There is giving of a physical item, be it food, clothing, money, etc. And there is giving of the heart—a kind word, a smile, some encouragement. The prophet Isaiah teaches us to “slice your bread for the poor”, and also to “extend your spirit to the poor” (58:7,10).

Charity is an act of compassion, not heartless giving. Shelly sat up startled as we came close, then relaxed when she recognized me. I crouched and gave her the plate. She told us she would eat the fish immediately and have the egg for breakfast. We stayed with her for a bit, and then, sensing that she desired her privacy, we left.

I did many things that evening. I read the story of the Exodus from Egypt. I ate matzah, the unleavened bread eaten on Passover. I gave thanks for the redemption from bondage and oppression. But nothing was as meaningful as those few minutes with Shelly. There is something powerful about physically handing food to a fellow human being in need.

I was very aware that there but for the grace of God go I. And there is something deeply human about opening one’s heart to a stranger, about extending a few minutes of heartfelt attention to another person, attention that conveys, “I see you, I see your humanness. You are not some anonymous homeless.

You have dignity, and there is compassion for you in the world.” I do not know if I will ever see Shelly again. I do hope she slept better that night. And I hope she woke up a bit happier the next morning, with an egg to nourish her body and the memory of human kindness to lift her spirit and brighten her day.

Communicating With Compassion

Do you know how to give advice, without being on the recieving end of anger and resentment? There is often a temptation, when listening to others, to express our opinions about what they have done, what they could have done, and what they should do.

Often, this stems from a genuine desire to be helpful.
However, unless we are asked, this is usually a mistake.
Even when we are asked, there is something we usually
should do before offering advice.

We often feel the urge to respond to people by “fixing it”.
Sometimes people try to fix it by offering reassurance.
“It will all be fine,” they say. Other time they take over
the conversation by speaking about their own experiences.
“This reminds me of the time when…”

Another way people sometimes try to “fix it” is by offering
advice and feedback. “Let me tell you why this was a
mistake,” they say, or, “Here is what you should do”.

Why are these responses well-intentioned mistakes?
To start with, the first thing people need in such situations
(that is, when speaking with emotion) is to be heard,
understood and acknowledged. That is, they are seeking
empathy, which is a key component of skillful, heart-centered
listening. They are not open to hear what we have to say
until we have heard them.

In his excellent book, The Lost Art of Listening (p. 64), Dr. Michael Nichols writes:

“The person telling a casual anecdote doesn’t really need an elaborate response. However, there are times when someone has something important to say and doesn’t want to hear your story until she’s had a chance to tell what happened to her and how she felt—and get some acknowledgement.”

“It is crucially important for people to feel fully listened to and understood. When they feel this way, they will then be ready to hear what you have to say.” – Managing from the Heart (p. 15)

“The truth is, most people don’t want advice—they want empathy and compassion. When advisers ride in on white horses to save the day, they minimize the very people they are trying to rescue. They presume that in hearing tiny snippets of others’ dilemmas, they have an intimate understanding of their problems and know the perfect solutions. Advisers would do much better digging deeper to learn more about the issues and offering support instead of unsolicited solutions.”

Keep this simple principle in mind and see how much more pleasant your interactions become.